ring of darkness (2005)
disclaimer: this is one of the worst movies i’ve ever seen. but it falls into the “so bad it’s good” category; hence the review.
just when you think it’s safe to follow your dream of joining a boy band, along comes the ring of darkness.
directed by david decoteau (creepozoids, sorority babes in the slimeball bowl-o-rama) and starring adrienne barbeau (burial of the rats, cannibal women in the avocado jungle of death) and american idol contestant ryan starr, this film takes you deep into the heart of boy-pop heartthrobs who enjoy throbbing hearts a bit too much.
the film (i use the term “film” very loosely) begins with gordo mcsteel on the run from some unidentified danger. he packs his duffel bag at midnight and slings on a cross necklace, shimmies down the ivy trellis of a fabulous estate into swirling fog and goes dashing down to the beach, where he is (naturally) surrounded by the baddies in black. at this point he tells them he’s going to reveal their secret to the world. not such a good idea when you’re trying to escape, gordo. they in turn (naturally) devour him.
and cue the music video. five sets of washboard abs, blindingly white teeth and artfully groomed hair gyrate and pump behind the opening credits. the song they’re singing, mind you, is the only song we hear from them throughout the rest of the movie, and i can’t remember what it even is. that should tell you about the soundtrack right there.
enter sarah and shawn. they’re at the auditions for the new lead singer of take ten (the band’s uber-cheesy name), and although they’re billed as the hottest, most famous, multi-platinum selling boys in the world the auditions are held in what seems to be the parking lot of a used car dealership while about only 20 girls alternately cheer or boo, depending on the auditioners’ vocal stylings and dance ability. shawn is a rocker, man, adamant that it’s all about the music, man, and he can’t believe he’s here, man, trying out for a boy band. decked out in ripped denims, spiky (highlighted) hair and a vintage fender (yeah,sure) slung across his back, shawn is the anti-hero in all of us. his girlfriend of two months, sarah, keeps telling him that a break’s a break, dude, and this could be his shot, dude, to like, take it to another level.
enter adrienne barbeau as the band’s manager. she nods knowingly as shawn takes the stage, pronouncing with utter conviction “he’s got edge.” it’s hard to see how she reaches this conclusion, however, since they all sing the band’s one song, and they all sound suspiciously like the newly deceased gordo mcsteel. the top three finalists are invited back to the band’s privately owned island, where they are expected to compete to the death to be the new front man of this (literally) boy band from hell.
and that’s just the first 25 minutes, people. there’s another hour left in this schlock-fest of super-sized proportions. i don’t think i’m spoiling anything by telling you there’s a groupie/undead orgy, a few face-peelings and a rather silly looking crossbow that appears out of nowhere and does no good (you can’t kill the undead, dummy. they’re already dead.)
all in all, a very satisfyingly awful movie. i got the biggest kick out of ridiculing the script, plot, actors, costumes, dance (and i use the term “dance” very loosely) sequences, props, etc. etc. etc. there was just so much material to make fun of. others who watched with me were adamant in wanting their 85 minutes back, but i had just enough fun to not regret the experience.
extra - an independent review stated “i ran, i ran so far away... this movie provokes the fight or flight impulse. i did not believe a movie could be so bad. not a horror film. repeat, not a horror film. not a comedy. not drama for dang sure. i am thinking rodent pooh in your cabinets. yeah that is it. this movie is like finding out a mouse has peed and pooped all over you frying pan.”
which is possibly the best review i’ve ever read of one of the worst movies ever made. enjoy.
shaun of the dead (2004)
shaun of the dead is perchance one of the funniest movies i’ve ever seen. please forgive the use of perchance, as it sounds terribly british. but that’s the point. the “london bloke slogging it out on a daily basis” tone that is imbued throughout this genre-defying film is decidedly english, and therein lays the beauty. if you’re a fan of the office, ab fab, or any other such shows, you’ll love this offering from freshman feature director edgar wright, who crafts each scene with a delicate balance of disparate styles; ironically, it’s easiest to call it a zombie-romance-comedy-tragedy-family-drama-coming-into-one’s-own-slapstick-misfit-thriller. and i’m probably leaving a few things out. simon pegg gives an “everyman” performance with an edge as shaun, a hapless electronic store clerk with a rocky relationship and serious step-dad issues who, along with his best friend ed (nick frost), must get off their slacker asses to save their family and friends when london is infected by a zombie virus. the film is shockingly gory, but that’s mitigated by the sight gags and brilliantly cutting dialogue. and it didn’t escape this clever gal that shaun doesn’t notice the zombies right away, because the only difference between them and us is slightly different eating habits. and the whole dead thing. so i suppose i should add socio-economic-political-commentary to the list as well.
tokyo godfathers (2003)
tokyo godfathers is one of those rare films that combines serious social commentary with laugh-‘til-you-pee dialogue. and did i mention that it’s japanimation? yeah. the story centers around gin, an alcoholic/compulsive gambler, hana, a transvestite with visions of motherhood and miyuki, a teenage runaway, who have formed an uneasy alliance on the streets of tokyo. this homeless trio of unlikely samaritans find a baby abandoned in the trash on christmas eve, and set out to return the infant to it’s parents. one of the biggest hardships they encounter along the way is themselves, and director satoshi kon (millennium actress, perfect blue) manages to make this film, above all else, driven by the characters themselves. loaded with intriguing plot twists and paced beautifully (you learn things when you need to learn them, and not a moment sooner), you’ll forgive the sometimes mid-grade animation work and the tendency to ratchet it up one notch too far.
the machinist (2004)
holy emaciation, batman. (sorry, couldn’t resist.) christian bale, my favorite neo-expressionist hunk-o-man, turns himself inside out in this chilling, thrilling study of sleep deprivation. directed by brad anderson (session 9, next stop wonderland), this small movie shot in barcelona (an impeccable double for l.a.) deserves major kudos. bale in particular is outstanding as trevor reznik, a man who hasn’t slept in a year and who’s mental state has degenerated right along with his physical form. the scenes where he’s clad in only boxers were almost too painful to watch, with every rib and vertebra poking out in high relief. of note: a character named ivan whose left hand/big toe combo seriously creeped me out, blood dripping out of freezers and a game of hangman who’s resolution was exactly as i expected… and yet not. a prime movie to watch on a dark and stormy night, this one takes you deep into psycholand, all the better to freak you out.
the sea inside (2004)
alejandro amenábar (open your eyes, the others) wrote and directed this real-life story of ramon sampedro, a quadriplegic who fought a 30 year campaign for the right to take his own life. javier bardem (the best thing to come out of spain since the armada) inhabits the role of ramon with such passion and charisma you forget that he hasn’t moved for two hours. though the movie tends to err on the side of taking things easy instead of moving things along, the last breath of it hit me like tidal wave and i was left floundering, unsure of how to find my way to the surface again.
control room (2004)
this documentary takes an inside look at the controversial and often dangerous operations of the 7-year-old al jazeera news network. filmmaker jehane noujaim interviews al jazeera journalists and examines the risks they confront in trying to bring a fair and balanced report of the war in iraq to arabs and to the world. this movie saddened and enraged me. see it.
wings of desire (1987)
fly with damiel the angel around berlin as his attentions alight on marion, a trapeze artist in the circus, and he contemplates a forever kind of fall. wim wender’s german classic isn’t for the faint of heart, as it has subtitles, is shot mostly in black and white and contains some massively long silences. but it’s so worth it.
word wars (2004)
a fascinating documentary that chronicles the triumphs and travails of “zen master” joe, “ginko biloba” matt, “smokin’” marlon and “g.i.” joel as they compete for the ultimate prize for any word nerd… the national scrabble championships. |
